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You May Be An Engineer. . .

Engineering Pickup Lines

1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
3. My love for you is like a concave up function . . . it's always increasing.
4. Wanna come back to my room? . . . and see my Pentium 4 dual processor machine?
5. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
    (Corollary: You and I would combine better than the magnetic fields in the center of a solenoid)
6. Wanna see the programs in my TI-92?
7. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
8. Hey, baby! You're number e2(Pi)i in my book!
    (Corollary if you're an Electrical Engineer: You're j4 in my eyes)
9. I want to give you:
         lim            1
         z->1    ---------         hugs and kisses
                     ln(e) - z
10. I   (1 - sin(t), 0 <= t <= 2Pi)   you
11. I hear you already have a boyfriend -- but does he have a calculator which can solve a system of equations with imaginary coefficients?
12. Do you wanna play physicist? Let your lips be geomagnetic north, my lips be geomagnetic south, and let's see what happens.
13. Your lips must be superconductors, because there was no impedance in that kiss!
14. Are you sure you're not an inductor? . . . cause you've got great curves.
15. Will you be my Gaussian surface? . . . cause I want to be enclosed by your love.
16. This Friday, if you're not doing anything, do you want to come back to my place and augment some matrices?
17. You're more important to me than phasor notation in an AC circuit.

You Might Be An Engineering Major ...

  1. If you have no life and can prove it mathematically
  2. If you think eating, sleeping, and socializing are overrated
  3. If you enjoy pain
  4. If you know vector calculus but can't remember how to do long division
  5. If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force"
  6. If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator
  7. If when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major
  8. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer
  9. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver"
  10. If you always do homework on Friday nights
  11. If you think in "math"
  12. If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges
  13. If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function
  14. If you have a pet named after a scientist
  15. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians
  16. If the Humane Society had you arrested because you actually performed Schrodinger's cat experiment
  17. If you can translate English into binary
  18. If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit"
  19. If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab
  20. If you consider ANY non-science course "easy"
  21. If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe
  22. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use
  23. If you'll assume that a horse is a sphere in order to make the math easier
  24. If you actually know what E=mc2 means
  25. If you've ever taken a shower but forgot to use soap because you were trying to solve a non-uniform acceleration problem in your head
  26. If, when hanging out with your friends, you say, "Hey! Why don't we do some free-body diagrams?"
  27. If you don't need to look up physical constants because you've got them all memorized
  28. If you realize that just because you study for a test and know what you're talking about, there's still a pretty good chance that you're going to fail
  29. Corollary #1: If you've ever gotten a 57 on a test . . . and had the highest grade in the class
  30. Corollary #2: If you've ever failed an open book test
  31. If you applied for this major because you like trains
  32. You're probably not an engineering major if you've had fun in the past month which did not involve a computer and a network game of "Quake"
  33. If you think that UNIX is a user-friendly operating system
  34. If you've ever compared the speed of your calculator to others of the same model
  35. If you openly despise people who knowingly truncate Pi to a measly 3.14
  36. Corollary: If you openly despise people who believe that .99 repeating is the same as 1
  37. If you have a shirt that has some sort of mathematical equation on it
  38. Corollary: If you have a shirt that has the periodic table of elements on it

3 Engineers In A Car

A mechanical, electrical, and computer engineer were on their way to a meeting when suddenly the car in which they were riding broke down.

"It's probably that the cable that opens the valve on the carb has come loose -- pop the hood and I'll have us back on the road in no time" quipped the mechanical engineer.

"I doubt it," replied the electrical engineer, "It has been observed that 83.2 % of similar failures result from the distributor contacts becoming corroded or misaligned -- I'll clean the contacts and we'll be on our way."

"No, no, no!" cried the computer engineer, "This car is equipped with a state of the art computer -- what we need to do is turn it off, get completely out of the car, then get back in and it should start like normal."

The Castaway Engineer

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean.  It was the craziest thing he had ever done in his life.  Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy.  Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a  secluded island.
 
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts,  there was little else.  He lost all hope and, for hours on end, sat under same palm tree.  One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
 
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
 
"Yes, I was" he answered. "Tell me, where did you get that rowboat?"
 
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunner from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a eucalyptus tree."
 
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer.
 
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island.  I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.  Anyhow, that's how I got the tools.  But, enough of that," she said  "where have you been living all this time?  I don't see any shelter."
 
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach." he said.
 
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.  The engineer nodded dumbly.
 
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice.  They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree.  There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
 
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Have a seat.  Would you like to have a drink?"
 
"No, thanks," said  the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
 
"It won't be coconut juice." the woman replied.  "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic pina coladas."
 
Trying to hide his amazement, the engineer accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.  After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
 
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
 
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
 
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.  Next he showered,  not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom,  and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
 
"You look great," said the woman.  "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
 
As she did, the man continued to sip his pina colada.  After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
 
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship.  You know what I mean.  Haven't you been lonely, too?  Isn't there something that you really, really miss?  Something that all men and women need?  Something that would be really nice to have right now?"
 
"Yes there is!" the engineer replied, shucking off his shyness.  "There is something I've wanted to do for so long.  But on this island all alone, it was just ... well, it was impossible."
 
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
 
The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You  mean ... you actually figured out some way we can check our email here?!"

Computer One-Liners (for all you DOS gurus)

Why Should I Date An Engineer?

  1. Our extreme good looks
  2. Your parents will approve
  3. High starting salaries
  4. If you go on a date to an amusement park, who else can explain how all the rides work?
  5. Get help with your math homework
  6. Learn what those "other" buttons on your calculator do
  7. We're easy to shop for -- a 3-pack of pocket protectors is considered a great gift
  8. Tired of never going out with your girlfriends anymore?  Well, date an engineer and every Friday night will be open.
  9. No need to get "dressed up" -- we've worn the same clothes for 3 days in a row
  10. Who else can say that they've had a romantic date in a computer lab?
  11. No need to bring a calculator to the supermarket -- we've got one on our watch
  12. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.
  13. The world revolves around us . . . we pick the coordinate system
  14. You never have to worry about him cheating on you ... he'll barely have time for your relationship, much less a second one.

Why Should I Talk To An Engineer?

  1. For the past 10 hours, the engineer's only verbal contact has been that of yelling at a computer monitor.
  2. Afterwards, the engineering would run into work screaming, "One of them talked to me!!!"
  3. It will be the first conversation this month for the engineer which hasn't involved the words, derivative, integral, or ODE.
  4. It will build up your self esteem by knowing that you are probably the coolest person the engineer has ever spoken to.

Engineers Are Like That

I received this in a forward . . .

Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble, a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal- lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble said in a telephone interview.  "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.  From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch.  Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen which caused the charcoal to burn much faster because, as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal).  We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.

On Gobel's Web page you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that, according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble.  "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken?  Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology?  It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.

Engineers are like that.

How To Get Women -- A Guide For Geeks

  1. Show them your T1 lines and your modifications to the Linux kernel -- they'll be very impressed.
  2. Grunt when they say anything to you -- remember, avoid eye contact at all costs.
  3. Never leave your home -- any woman worthy of your attention will come knocking on your door.
  4. Test whether they really love you; never, ever shower or shave.
  5. Don't exercise -- the weak, pudgy mess that you are will evoke maternal feelings of sympathy.
  6. Be their knight in shining armor; help them with their school work/computers -- they'll fall in love with you instantly.
  7. If they talk to you, it means that they love you.
  8. Remember, girls always prefer email to real mail.
  9. Sitting three seats behind them on the bus is a good start.
  10. Write the next killer software app -- your fame will draw them to you.
  11. Remember, what's cool to your geek friends is cool to women too.
  12. Make them understand that you are more evolved than that hunky football star.
  13. Women always go for the stronger man -- duke it out over a game of Quake.
  14. Write a geeky web page.
  15. Use mnemonics to aid communication e.g.
    Hello == main() {
    Goodbye == }
  16. Increase your "reproductive fitness" -- become the Alpha geek of your pack

The Bike Incident

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half full.  To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

**************

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
            -- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

The Engineer and the Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

The Engineer Goes Golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Who Designed The Human Body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

MEs vs. CEs

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

A Wife or a Mistress?

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

The Retired Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Executives vs. Engineers



Engineers will never make as much money as business executives.  Now, for the first time, we have a rigid mathematical proof that explains why this is true.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power

>Postulate 2: Time is money

Proof:

First, we note that

                  Work
    Power = ------
                   Time

Now, since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, we can rewrite the above as:

                           Work
    Knowledge = --------
                           Money

Solving for Money we get

                       Work
    Money = ------------
                   Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Useful Descriptions

Here are some useful descriptions of people you may encounter from day to day:

The Engineer and the Guillotine

One day, a priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were led to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raised the blade of the guillotine and released it. The blade came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next, the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up, hoping that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade and released it and, once again, the blade stopped just inches from his neck. So, they released the drunkard as well.

Finally, the engineer came up to the guillotine. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

Engineers, Accountants, and a Train

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

The Engineer and the Flagpole

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So, they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers, and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs, "Isn't that just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

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